I am going to preface this with simply saying this is not an ego piece nor is it designed for you to tell me I am wrong or say ‘oh but you are beautiful’. I am not fishing for complements here I can assure you that. What I do want to do is learn to be more honest with and about myself. With that honesty hopefully it will not only help me, but give some insight to those around me about my weirdness. Maybe this will even reach out to you – perhaps my sharing will give words to your own thoughts and feelings. As today is Time to Talk day – I chose to talk about part of my Mental Health I don’t often talk about my insecurities and physical dislikes.
I really struggle with compliments I honestly do not understand what the etiquette is if someone says you’re beautiful or pretty, sexy… blah blah blah. This goes as much for my boyfriend as when anyone else says it, for example if you compliment me over twitter I usually just say something along the lines of thanks, but I am I meant to compliant you back? Doesn’t that then sound false? How do I make it sincere when it feels like I have been prompted? It’s even worse when it’s the boyfriend, he is so flattering and so loving and I am like ‘Uh… yeah… um…thanks’ mean while my head is going ‘COMPLMENT HIM BACK!!!!’ Followed by ‘No don’t, how fake will that sound I know wait, then do it,’ ‘how long?’ ‘I don’t know – 10 minutes, is that too soon?….JUST SAY SOMETHING!!! START WITH THANK YOU!!!!’ – darling if you are reading this, this is why sometimes for just a few seconds I stare at you – this is what is going on behind the eyes.
The other problem is that I do not get why you compliment me, now I can be subjective in the sense that I understand that I have nice shaped eyes, that my mouth is a fairly nice shape, that my hair frames my face well and my cheek bones are a nice shape. All together that sounds like I should think I am beautiful… far, far from it. I can look at the individual parts but the package is nothing special – it’s tired looking, and well it’s just a face, it to me is just average. It’s difficult to explain as I do not think I am ugly I just do not think I am anything special – I exist in this state of just being an average face one that at times I just don’t like.
This leads to most people having no idea I am not confident, no idea that I am insecure. That I really do not like the way I look. Sometimes my insecurities lead me to being embarrassed I’ll hide or cover up the part that is being complimented and yes even after 11 years of complements from the boyfriend I will go all coy and shy, hide my face – I just simple do not know how to handle it I am not sure I ever will. So remember when I am weird about things this is why – be gentle, be understanding – more importantly if you feel the same be reassured that I know that feeling, I know the insecurities and I know it goes deeper than just a pretty face (or not.).
A lot of this feeds into feelings of value and lack of worth, when I do not feel worthy I certainly do not feel worthy of complements. Every day I will struggle to feel worthy and every day I do it reminds me to tell you – you are worthy too.